VAR Heartbreak Stops the Milner Party

The second biggest sporting upset this decade occurred in Paris on Sunday – Enable, Flat racing’s superstar, lost the Arc by a length. But the silence at Longchamp was nothing to the shockwaves reverberating around Vauxhall. Milner Street lost to KPR 2-1.

Admittedly, there were warning signs from the start. Tabloid allegations that defender Jonny Beech had been admitted to rehab for a gambling addiction had provided an unwelcome distraction for the men in white. To compound the problems, both the Artist Formerly Known as Fred, and his chauffeur George Neville were late, amidst rumours that Freddie had refused to play unless he was provided with a live tiger, a Guinness, and bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones removed, in a private dressing room before the match.

Chaotic preparation contributed to schizophrenic performance. For the most part, the Big White Machine was its usual dominant self. As always, the defending was beautiful. It is a genuine pleasure to watch the discipline and teamwork that Milner Street display, the front two sliding seamlessly to protect the defence, the centre-backs marshalling the resistance.

Well, beautiful until it wasn’t. Beech committed the worst goalkeeping howler since Paul Robinson, slicing a tame shot into his own goal. Neville then conceded possession when last man, allowing KPR a breakaway goal. In Neville’s defence, howls of protest were glibly waved away by the ref, ignoring the fact that seemed obvious to everyone else in the ground: the lad was brutally chopped down. Indeed, George hasn’t had to cope with so much from behind since the last time he went to Heaven with JJ.

Briefly, the light flickered on again. Gallagher collected the ball off a ricochet in the midfield, and shaped to curl it into the bottom right corner. The goalie flung himself down, but found nothing there. JGal had completely done him, sending a clinical strike into the bottom left. 2-1. For all we know, the keeper is still sliding the wrong way.

The defensive press then paid off, releasing Fred on a slaloming counter-attack. Dribbling through the slings and arrows of outrageous cheating, he struck, locked in a bundle of arms and legs with a defender and the goalie. Somehow, the ball went in. 2-2.

But then the ref blew. Apparently, he’d being playing advantage, and had blown the whistle before the goal went in. Goal disallowed. 2-1. Milner fought on, but ultimately failed to close the gap, denied by the post, the bar and time wasting.

Ultimately, there aren’t words to describe the magnitude of the upset. But one thing is certain. The fightback starts next week, and I pity the fools up against the Milner.