Moovere To Buy Bigger Mantelpiece

Vauxhall was rocking on Monday as Sporting Coda were put to the sword 8-4 by a triumphant Milner Street. After defeating a drugs ban on appeal in Switzerland, James Gallagher made a triumphant return to the Theatre of Dreams, blasting a hattrick to take Moovere’s Barmy Army to the brink of promotion.

Sporting took an early lead, and dominated possession in the early stages. Milner found it hard to get on the ball, but as usual held their shape well, forcing errors and tackling hard.

But as we all saw in the Icarus documentary, proper nutrition is essential. A yard quicker and a second faster thanks to Beurre’s famous Vicarage Lab, Gallagher took a game poised in the balance and put it to bed. Dribbling past the entire Sporting team, he coolly slotted the ball home, then proceeded to win the ball back and do it again. And again. Just because he could. Whilst some onlookers may ask why there was no rabona, we would argue that this was the most influential performance yet seen in a Milner Street shirt.

Inspired by their captain, Milner Street did what they do best: desperately shooting to improve their stats. A frantic goal hunt ensued, with Neville, JJ and JB (2) making it onto the scoresheet.

However, at the death, a miracle occurred. JJRMB actually scored. The Elijah of goal droughts is finally at an end. The man with the shaved head went home happy, if slightly startled by his experiences in the foreign lands beyond the halfway line.

‘Ah’m just so appeh! grunted the Yorkshireman. ‘Ah don’t realeh go near the goal much. But seeing Bizzly keep kicking the ball intut side nettin’, Ah just ad to tek over. If you want a job dewen, an all tha…’ The interview then terminated, due to the absence of adequate translation facilities.

Despite the failure to civilise Milner Street’s very own barbarian, Monday night was a great night. Four trophies from four competitions this season – just think of the prize money. Beech can buy elocution lessons. Beurre can now be kept in the style in which she is accustomed. And Moovere can buy a bigger mantelpiece to keep them on.